Archive for TBI Traumatic Brain Injured Writer Blogs
Okay if you’ve ever done theatre, you know what I mean.
No fighting in front of the children means don’t fight in front of the actors, and let’s all take a break.
Stage managers dread the situation, which inevitable involves a combination of any of these: director, music director, choreographer, designer, composer, playwright, book writer, librettist, producers, artistic directors etc. and so on fighting with each other in front of the actors (and occasionally these people are just fighting with themselves).
This one goes out to all my doctors.
Don’t fight or disagree with each other in front of me. That’s right. You have to act like the adults. I am the sick one. I am the kid, albeit highly functioning one, but in order to not fuck with my “performance“ I don’t need to see what goes on behind the scenes of the most fucked up telephone game I have ever witnessed.
I have a group of Neuropsychologists and a Clinician (okay I like the Clinician) at RUSK I refer to lovingly as the High Counsel. I have no idea what they do, other than make my life a living hell. I must take on more doctors, and get more treatment.
Find more doctors that I CANNOT FUCKING AFFORD because I am bled dry at the moment, or I am kicked from my cognative remedeation program (the brain fixers, re-trainers, whatever) RUSK. Yes, they will withhold medical treatment if I don’t get more doctors.
That being said, in the first two years after a TBI is when your brain will recover the most, i.e. it’s a good idea to rehab the brain in those two years.
Somehow these people are making my life hell. They want me to add additional treatments and doctors to my group. I feel at this point doctors are kind of like clothes, if I gain some I’d like to lost a few (well same with weight), but not the one they don’t see concerned about, which happens to be my highest priority. Seriously. I’m pissed. I think I might begin to crack. ”From what”, you might ask…”from everything”, I respond.
But they are fucking with the one doctor I don’t want them too. I don’t need it. He doesn’t need it. He’s done far more for me than any of them have. Yes the high counsel is them.
God, if my psychiatrist reads this I have no idea what kind of interp I’m going to get from this: puppies, entitlement, privaledge, Aces wild, fuck the high counsel, and yes I have a problem with authority figures, (always have, and always will) if I feel I am being treated unfairly.
You know, I have 20 something doctors. You peeps are expensive. Yes each and every one of you. And I love you all sans one…(you can fight over which one that is).
Maybe I’m spoiled. Maybe I don’t think someone with a brain injury should be out shopping for new doctors in NYC.
This just occurred to me.
I am spoiled.
I’m accustomed to something called a referral. You know when your told to go to see such and such and they take your insurance.
That would be nice.
If they don’t work you get another magical thing called another referral.
My executive functions don’t work, people. RUSK knows this…they are treating me for it. So why the fuck are they making this so fucking hard. Yes, they are number 8 in the national in brain rehab, number 1 in NYC. They are also number one in adding to the misery and pressure to my life that I do not need right now.
But I need them, or no brain fixing. I’ll just add it to the list of the 30k (20k of which I got from my friends) I’ve spent on this little fun sojourn in life.
Yes, I am using my blog to vent.
Fuck it.
Sometimes I am tired of being good little soldier.
For everyone who thinks Madonna has now made evil ca-ca with your brain.
Posted by: | CommentsWow. This person has too much time. Seriously.
It could all be attributed to Egyptology, Etruscan, and too many to count, but he’s on to the Illuminati.
Put the Dan Brown books down.
Step away from the Dan Brown books.
Really I can make it match alotta historical symbology.
But the tarot card from the Rider-Waite deck, OMFG, this person is a moron.
Um-mmm you may not know this…but sometimes what’s called “designers” come up with a “theme” and then they stick to it. It could just be a really good “costume designer” working in coordination with a good “set and lighting designer”. See these designers work together to tell a story. It’s not the story this person came up with.
If you feel your brain is sucked in by the occult; you are in fact a moron.
BTW “Occult” literally translated from the Greek means “the hidden”. It’s these moments when Wanna-be-intellectuals “work on my last nerve with a file” (to paraphrase Greater Tuna).
And thank you mindless religious Chattel for thinking this person is brilliant, correct, or in anyway meaningful. No wonder you all follow your religion mindlessly. Why don’t you take a step back and think about what you believe rather than what you’ve been taught. Then you can come up with your own ideas instead of someone else’s for a change.
Please read the story from the post. Below is the letter I sent to the Ogden Cap Properties an LLC that owns and operates that building.
http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/manhattan/doggone_shame_1a9XYW8u9ZLlqwRJTa6jrN
Unfortunately,
I know that this email will go to some undeserving staff member, when it should be going directly to the management at One Lincoln Plaza. Please feel free to pass it on to the appropriate party for which it was intended.
I assume it’s Lincoln and not “Lincon”, which you misspelled on your own website. I know you are a mere LLC, but most people check to make certain the things on their website are accurate. Especially, if you want people to take your business seriously.
Clearly, if you cannot spell the name of your own building correctly, perhaps someone in management needs to go back to grammar school.
After reading about the soap actor who killed himself, due in part to false reports and pressure by the management, I want to congratulate on making a complete ass out of yourselves. Just FYI “no comment” only makes you look more inconsiderate, and appear to be a giant, unfeeling, distasteful monster people want to take down.
Strangely, I was looking to move back to the island, and you do have a great location. Based on your response I think I’ll keep my extra house I was going to use as a downpayment and continue to live in Queens.
I just remembered why I don’t like management that feels entitled to treat it’s clients little better than refuse.
If you ever wanted to make a name for yourself.
You have. No matter how you spell the name of your buildings.
Of course, I will be blogging on this, including the story from The Post.
If you would care to return a comment in a civil tongue I would be glad to print it. An uncivil tongue…doubly so.
BTW you just got owned by a doctoral student recovering from a traumatic brain injury I received while on the island.
Sadly, the Upper West Side is just not what it use to be, well unless we go back to the 1980′s.
“ONE LINCON PLAZA” (your spelling from the website not mine)
20 West 64th Street,
New York City
(212) 579-4326
I would never usually comment or care about a minor NYC LLC; however, you have found a special place in my heart. I feel I should just help spread the word around the net.
And to be completely distasteful be sure to let me know how much his apartment is going for and whether or not you will tell perspective owners that a suicide took place there.
If you choose to feign innocents. I’ll attach the link for you.
http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/manhattan/doggone_shame_1a9XYW8u9ZLlqwRJTa6jrN
Sincerely,
Angela Gant
Oh, please let them respond. Please attack the brain damaged writer. Please. Pleeeeeeze.
I’ll let you know.
Missing what I lost and recovery
Posted by: | CommentsThis is something a friend of mine spring boarded to me write on today…I miss the spring board.
To always be in recovery…sometimes you learn there is nothing to recover.
My superior intellect which defined my personality is now gone.
Even if it is recovered, it will never be anything but a warble sounds that I have outgrown while waiting and working for it to return. So this is what it
means to have a below average intellect. Hmmm. Kinda feels the same, minus a cocky demeanor.
I can still write, am I at the level I was at before the attack. No. It’s interesting though. It’s not about recovery. It’s about what new
direction will I go. Will I get my ful spread of writing tools back I hope so. Academic writing skills are…we’ll say lacking to put it nicely.
I’ve got to sell out on some level. I should sell out doing what I enjoy.
Whether that’s writing erotica or paranormal romance for my agent.
I’ve got to find a way to make money, again. Writing is the only skill (even if it’s subpar for me). My executive functions on my brain just aren’t working right now. That throws out all management positions, which is all I’ve done most of my adult life.
I hope I can salvage my Ph.D. There is so little left. That’s 22 years of education for me just in school, that doesn’t include the time out of school to work on professional career and dissertation. School that I paid for.
It’s hard to remember who I was, have no idea who I will be. Can roll the dice
a thousand times and not hit yatzee, followed by hitting it five times in a
row.
I don’t know. It’s kind of lucky and interesting.
Guess I get two lives this go round. I don’t much like being humble, or
being humbled by brain damage. Not my fav.
But I will say, NOW eat toast. Never would before. Now I can eat toast. Not all
the time; I’m not a toast-aholic. Did I come all this way to learn to eat toast?
Stranger things have happened in the universe.
I guess I’ll always have toast.
Okay,
Posting the erotica was pure laziness on my part. It means I didn’t have to write a blog as I am slowly losing my mind…well whatever part of it is left.
I am now very happily engaged to an amazing woman, whose family is a little lacking on the accepting homosexuals. I believe I have been equated to a pimp or a drug dealer, which isn’t as bad as it sounds. I am a pimp, not a whore. I am a drug dealer, not a drug user. So, I figure that gives me management possbilites.
I know what you’re thinking. Really? Are people still homophobic, I mean educated people. And the answer to that is YES. It’s a Bible thing, and lest we forget…what 60 years ago an interracial marriage was a lynching offense, and yes the Bible has a lot more to say about racial purity than it does about homosexuality. Does anyone care about interracial marriage…because if you do you’re still a bigot.
Especially female homosexuality.
Sorry my male gays, how I love you so, but I want to point out, what the Bible says about female homosexuality?
That’s right. Nothing.
What did Christ say about homosexuality?
That’s right. Nothing.
I’m just saying if it was important, you think He would have brought it up. I don’t recall Christ teaching hate anywhere in the Bible, and since Christians are suppose to follow the teaching of Christ…yep, I don’t get it.
I feel pretty confident in saying, if you are a hater, Jesus wouldn’t like you very much. Now maybe the Old Testament God would give you a high five…but not Christ…I think He would leave you hanging.
Remember man wrote the Bible. Why do you think there are no bad references to lesbians. Most men love women on women.
Oh, right, erotica one day, call mom the next.
The writing skills are slowly reappearing and I work the hell out of the muscles every chance I get. I don’t have to just get back up to my creative bar, but I’ve I got to reach for that academic bar as well. Unfortunately, it’s easier for me to practice one than the other rather than do it concurrently. Creative came back first, I’ll use the practice of Aristotelean structure before I start talking about it academically about it, again.
Hello, ADD brain. Calling the mom. If you’re thinking my mom died about 18 years ago, yep, you’d be right. That one would require a long distance call Houdini couldn’t make any psychic to come up with, so there’s the other mom. Yep, I came with two, and no they weren’t a lesbian couple. Both sets of my parents are straight, and they seemed to raise a perfectly normal homosexual child. Odds are it’ll skip a generation or two, so I figure mine (should I choose to have them) will be straight and Republican just to piss me off.
How do you get two sets? Divorce? Religious cult? Nope, adoption. Great plan in case you’re orphaned early. So being a good kid I’ve never troubled my living mom, until now. With the executive functions down and out in the old noodle, it really jacks up my organizational skills.
So yes, I called my mom to help me organize my shit. It’s true with pretty much all TBI brain injuries. And let’s face it, my fiance (Ohhhh, I got to say it!) has enough on her plate with a full-time job, joining me for doctor appts, court crap, and the list never ends. I frankly don’t know how she does it, but we all get to the end of our tether.
There’s only one option of help. I will politely say that her family is unavailable, which leaves the mom. Okay, after 39 years of life and a brain injury, I don’t feel too bad about asking her for this one big favor…unfortunately this is also happening at the busiest time in her life.
Sigh.
It’s funny (not ha-ha funny), but odd.
I was in the hospital and watched my (adoptive) mom die. I had to stay in the room for the final moments, even though she was unconscious, I’m pretty sure to make sure my dad could fuck me up a little.
I watched my mother’s twin sister die in her hospital room, I just had some bad timing on walking into that one.
I watched my dad die in his hospital room. That one I just felt obligated to stay for since I was out of family that knew or raised me before the age of 21.
The one thing you learn slowly watching your family die off, is that family is about the most important thing you will ever have. Like them or hate them, you do love them. That’s why my mom is coming up from Tejas, unconditional love.
I know my fiance is having a rough time right now, but I still have to believe in unconditional love from family, blood or not. I grew up both Southern and Bible Baptist in my formative years. Probably the only true belief I hold from that time is unconditional love. I hope I’m right. I have a pretty good idea of what Christ would say on the subject. He was pretty clear on the love thing.
Unconditional love.
We’re hard wired for it.
Angela the Vampire Slayer…or really anyone in a rubber suit (they can’t all be TBI)
Posted by: | CommentsOkay, I’ve decided everything should be somewhere between Land of the Lost (yes the original series, and yes the one with Chaka, whatever happened to that actor Philip Paley…he made it all the way to Airwolf. Keep in mind I have no reason to lie.), early to late Dr. Who up through Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
WTF, you ask. That’s a fair question.
Well any disease, bad guy/gal, universal deathly gloop, monster, demon,(the last three are simply known as different incarnations of the GOP of late) could be destroyed by attacking the actor in the rubber suit. And no, the suit was not used for protection.
I figure just about all those rubber suit baddies were some rendition of cancer, autism, heart attacks, strokes, brain injuries, broken bones, any physiological or psychological condition put in some rubber suit form. And through those shows we could kill them all.
Except for Chaka, even though we wanted to kill him at the time…really he is the precursor to JarJar Binks in annoyance value, just not as racist since he was blonde.
I figure,, that’s one of the reasons at least some of you know what I’m talking about.
We can’t cure cancer…though we might have cured AIDS for those who keep up with science news that tops 2011. All that stem cell research everyone gets whiney about…it really can save lives. You know, if we let people like scientists use it. I’m not talking about monkeys typing out Hamlet . I’m talking scientists.
I know I’m ready to run out and have an abortion just so they can harvest those cells. (Some people actually believe this, if you are one of them stop reading this blog and run directly into traffic…do not pass Go…do not collect $200. A straight header. I mean, if you believe stem cell research will increase abortions, you will probably believe me.)
I will let you know if I get sued because the last thing some good samaritan woman read was my blog and ran directly into traffic. I might even be a little proud.
You have to have some writing prowess to be writing about nonsensical rubber suits related to diseases, and still get someone to jump in front of traffic to help save the human evolutionary process…shit…take your kids too. Damn. Bet that was too late. Orphaned children all over the world will hate TBI writers everywhere for forcing people to think or die.
Man, I wish that were a prerequisite to life.
Think or die.
Might be my new motto.
Angela Gant tirades on Religion
Posted by: | CommentsThis is a cobbled together response I had to the following:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY the video that went Viral about Loving Jesus and hating the chruch
http://theamericanjesus.net/?p=4970 an idiots response. I read it. Super boring.
BTW you can read this blog without going to either website, though the first one is four minutes and I think worth your time.
Okay, now I’m going to say something. In the 600′s I believe 633 CE the Catholic church took out the teaching that Christ did not believe you needed the church to go to heaven.
He never refers to Himself as the Son of God except in one version of the Bible, anywhere. How can anyone forgive a religion that started the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, and the burning of witches (who btw weren’t witches)?
Historical account range widely to from 500,000 to 9 million people were burned in Europe. Wide ranging statistic; however, there weren’t a whole lot of people populating the earth at that time. There’s always the Spanish Inquisition…oh and didn’t we kill4 million native americans for being on our land before we got here because they were heathens and savages.
Yes, back when archbishops were keeping whores you could buy your dead family’s way into heaven, Think I’m wrong pick up a history book. All of Christianity comes as off shoots of the Catholic church. Think of that when you tithe your 10 percent that you probably can’t afford.
Why are churches constantly raising money for bigger buildings, or play rooms. They enjoy their 501ce status and don’t pay a dime in taxes. Ever been to a megachurch? That’s a complete waste of time and money. Find Jesus on your own. You have a manmade book that may not be accurate at all, but Jesus was a pretty amazing guy, and I don’t think He had anything bad to say about anyone or wished anyone harm for any reason. Can you say the same for every church service you’ve attended?
I think of Him as more of an amalgamation of preachers at the time. The Church didn’t vote to make him the Son of God until the 4th century ie He wasn’t a shoe in, And He almost loss. I always wondered who was the back up guy.
Jesus and the New Testament have alot of nice, if not completely conflicting and unfounded stories. What does it matter who exactly said it. I mean the who “let thee who is without sin cast the stone ” was inserted in the Renaissance, I believe. It certainly wasn’t from the original material, but there’s no way I would argue that because it makes the religion more tolerant. The character of Jesus, The Buddhas, who cares who gets it attributed to.
Just like under God was added in the 1950′s to the pledge of alliance and In God We trust was added to our money. Our forefathers never intended us to be a Christian state most were Deists and a few Atheists.
All religion reads the same no matter what. Be a good person, you will have a good life or afterlife, be bad and you will be punished. People excusing the mentally ill know right from wrong. I know Atheists that lead better lives than people who claim to be Christian (but so what, you may know the inverse).
And if you want to know what destroyed my faith, 2nd grade Bible class, and the story of Noah’s arc ( I couldn’t get over that that God flooded and killed the whole world killing all the bunnies, puppies and babies, even if they were born that day how could they have committed to sin and all be sent to hell? Yes, children think too.
(This is innocent inquisitive very, very, shy Angela who believed very much, and did not want “God to be mean” ). Of course I was sent to the principals office.
That got me to researching(not in 2nd grade that much,nbut I would continue to educate myself in my adult years in theolory. The Bible was put together between 50-300 CE. That’s like me writing about the early 1800′s with no internet, libraries, and my source of information is primarily world of mouth from people who didn’t live that long. We’ve all played the telephone game.
I think too many people in this world are just handed down religion from the elders. People never question it. They should. Everyone should decide what they believe based on faith and empirical evidence if possible. The churches might be overflowing then with Christians, Catholics, Taoists, Buddhists, Islamic or Zoroasterism for all I know.
Signed your favorite TBI writer.
What the hell are you up to, Angela Gant
Posted by: | CommentsWell I’m sitting here on my couch with my favorite director, Hugh Richard Massey III.
Quite unexpectedly we got a free location in NYC to shoot, So this Guy Walks Into Bar.
So we got to shoot a short film, in a Bar, The BLVD, for free. Free in NYC. Off the hook. Of course I wrote this before the brain damage. Since the brain damage, I’ve written these blogs. That’s right, I’ve been able to write in a public forum for weeks now.
Saturday we are shooting Richard’s utube brain child Awesome on Saturday. As soon as they are available on youtube I will provide links.
Since my attack:
I’m still waiting to get over my Traumatic Brain Injury and all the fixings that go with it.
Honestly, I miss being able to write academically, write plays, screenplays, and novels. Hopefully I’ll get it back and be able to finish my Ph.D.
I’m keeping it short and sweet. Up way past my bedtime.
For now the trail is set for Jan.24, 2012.
What the hell are you looking at? TBI. TBI your mama, fucker.
Posted by: | CommentsWhat the hell are you looking at? TBI. TBI your mama. ”my mom’s dead”. It’s cheap, but it’s always a good way to win a your mama joke. You actually get extra points if your mother is actually dead, but who’s counting?
Okay, here we begin the stare down. Most TBI’s that are mild look and can pass for normal (at least on first glance), some moderates too, serious TBI’s you’ve got bigger worries, and if you could give a shit, you wouldn’t.
People like to talk about how serious your TBI is, you are categorized by your three levels of fuckupedness: mild, moderate, and severe (usually by how long you were unconscious) Not actually an accurate measuring stick IMO, but whatever.
On a mild TBI: Defined as the result of the forceful motion of the head or impact causing a brief change in mental status (confusion, disorientation or loss of memory) or loss of consciousness for less than 30 minutes. In other words it will fuck up your relationship with your friends, family, coworkers (if you delude yourself that your going back to work for a short time) and yourself, and it will piss you off.
It’s kind of like trying to think of Cream of Wheat. The unsweetened kind. Just bland glop.
I have no idea why I always associate TBI’s with breakfast foods, but if your more of a lunch person you can always write more of a midday thinking through pastrami blog, though or a thinly sliced lunch meat of your chose is probably more accurate. (ABSOLUTELY NO HEAD CHEESE- that stuff is gross and cannot be used in my comparison. I’d rather you go with deviled ham or potted meat if you must.)
Keep in mind.
That’s a mild one.
And really. You’re probably more fucked up than just that. You’ve lost social skills, reasoning ability, sometimes the ability to make any sort of decision at all…but that can still be mild. Kiss off that executive function of the brain (you know the one you never knew what it did anyway); it doesn’t matter because it’s offline anyway.
Here’s something they don’t tell you, you moderates and milds. A great deal of the time, you are just as smart as you were when you level out after 6 months. Think of it as your CPU speed being affected.
Yes, there is shit you will relearn to do, but your brain’s still working…it’s just at half pace.
Now really, they say there’s a moderate, but it just means your not as fucked up as serious. I think they should just skip mild and go right to moderate or serious. When you do find moderate defined…it’s about the same as mild…maybe they make it sound a little worse, but really peeps can’t tell the difference.
it’s Bullshit. You are fucked up, my friend. And if you’ve read my previous posts, it’s a bitch to get over…
hmmm this is the swearing blog.
Like it.
Feel like I’m working off the union list, again.
Serious TBI and you’re beyond fucked. There really should be a catagory beyond fucked, and you won’t be reading this blog anyway, because you won’t be reading. For friends and family I offer you this: the brains plasticity is pretty fucking amazing. It’s a pretty amazing critter. You never know what it’s going to do, or how much your going to get back.
Are you going to get your loved one back the way they were?
No.
But that’s true no matter what level of TBI you’re at.
Your level of fuckupedness is your own to experience or not experience as you will.
Good luck to all.
Tomorrow the real fun one. Pulling the plug. I’ve had to do it myself. There’s a time to fight, a time to wait, and a time to let go.
And out of complete frustration, I’m just going to end this on fuck.
So fuck.
We are going to pretend for the moment that I am not a TBI.
People who had a tendency to have a temper beforehand, even if they learned to control it, are much more likely to suffer from TBI rage. Very few things are more terrifying than seeing a loved one go from zero to Chernobyl in less than a second. It’s like someone hit their fight or flight button, only it is stuck on fight.
When they pick fight, if you are in a home environment, you want to pick flight. I have heard and read some very strange stories about how TBI’s learn to control their rage. The only think that I have read that seems to work on a broader scale is when they “rage out”, many can “learn” to shut down in one way or another.
In public is the worst. Suddenly your 70 year old grandmother wants to beat the ass of an entire motorcycle gang for looking at her crosswise or making too much noise. As amusing as this my sound, try playing go between when grandma is a thirty-five year old man, who is out of control because his slice of pizza is a tad smaller than the others, and suddenly he wants to beat everyone into oblivion.
Two issues arise here. Grandma as a 35 year old man or a 70 year old woman are dead serious about what they want to do. You do not just have to worry about a loved one (who at this moment might be falling into a liked one catagory) being arrested, causing bodily harm to themselves or other, but they can put themselves in a situation to give themselves another head injury.
This just sucks.
There isn’t much you can do other than to duck and hope your voice will calm them down.
I wouldn’t recommend trying to restrain them, unless you can do so without harm to yourself. They may have no idea what is going on around them, or that it is YOU that is trying to restrain them.
Oh yes. I suffered from TBI rage. I scared the dickens out of my partner. I’m still not 100 percent certain what a dickens is, but I am absolutely certain she no longer has one.
It is an instant white hot or red rage. Luckily, every time this has been triggered in me I have somehow been lucky enough to avoid physical conflict.
Everyone is different, but you can’t spend your life avoiding the insane madness a raged out TBI can throw at you. There are medications that can help. I use a small service animal for just this occasion. A single woof from my dog, or a moment of sanity, can tell your TBI to shut down, walk away, etc and so on.
Is this difficult to achieve? Almost impossible for some (that’s why I recommend a GOOD psychiatrist) and a medication route if nothing else works. No, you’re loved one is not going to end up like Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Coo-Coos Nest. They will be fine, or you will find a different drug.
Some people don’t respond to drugs, or can learn to stop what I like to consider the fight or fight response on their own.
Fight or fight is not a typo.
That’s the way it rolls.
I’ve had to learn to walk away. It’s tough. I’m not the type to walk away, but I’ve learned over time…whatever the problem is is usually not that important. I might have even started it. Walk away. That’s my key. Drop everything and walk out of the grocery store if you have to…that ham steak will be there later.
You are going to have to work hand in hand with your TBI loved one to find a solution: medication, self-realization, a friendly woof, a sojurn to a voluntary institution for a week to cool your heels and figure it out, whatever. Your TBI cannot afford another head injury.
Rage is one of the first things you will have to work out, if your TBI is a rager.
Work it out before they work you out or someone else.
Luckily my rage is confined, and has always been confined to words. I’ve been five months rage free. No one is going to give you a chip for this, unless it’s in the form of a Tostido.
It’s one of the first steps to going back to try and lead a normal life if you’re a TBI.
If your a loved one of a TBI: it’s one of the first things that can make your TBI safe to be around, again.
Get help, because help isn’t going to come find you.
