By Angela Gant
(As the scene opens, a woman is bound with duct tape at the hands and ankles lying on a table with tape covering her mouth. Jacob is methodically sharpening a straight razor with a leather strap. In the corner there is a small bedraggled looking Christmas tree.)
JACOB
Now this isn’t what it looks like. I know you gotta be scared and all, but you don’t have to worry. I’m a good Christian man who’s going to do God’s work, and I wanted to find a good Christian woman to help me with it. That’s why I went to the church parking lot and found you.
(Pause.)
You looked really purty like. It’s got to be hard for a pretty thing like you to be alone so close to Christmas and all. I saw you didn’t have no weddin’ ring on, so I knows you don’t have no husband. A husband might now understand my work, but a nice Christian woman like you oughta wanna do God’s work. That’s what I’m gonna be performing today is God’s work. No, it’s true. I am a good Christian man. That’s why they let me outta prison early. They knew, they knew I were good.
(Pause.)
I’s in jail because the last woman I was with weren’t no good Christian. She didn’t understand the will of God the way you and I do. You got rid of my seed, the seed of God, and she got rid of it. No good Christian woman would do that. I had to fix her for that, denying the will of God through his servant’s image in the flesh.
(Wheeling around on the woman.)
You wouldn’t do that now, would ya? A good Christian woman like you. She didn’t understand, God is the entire reason I’m here, if he hadn’t personally intervened in my life, my life wouldn’t have never even happened.
(Pacing.)
My mama didn’t want me, see? I weren’t even born yet and she didn’t want me. That preacher man at the orphanage tol’ me the story once, or I wouldn’t have ever knowed, what the heathen bitch tried to do. She weren’t a good Christian woman, my mother. She said she saw visions, said she saw she was gonna give birth to a monster, and devil is what she said. Well that minister heard her a yellin’ in the streets, half naked she was, and plumb yellin’ at the top of her lungs. My mama said she was gonna take after me with a coat hanger. Now , I don’t mean no whippin’ ‘cause I weren’t even born yet. She meant to… you know what she meant to do.
(JACOB develops a spitfire and damnation preacher attitude.)
But God wouldn’t allow it, no siree bob. He put a stop to that bitch real quick, right then and there. He done told the minister ta stop her anyway he could. Locked her away, they did, far, far, away in one o’ them nut houses, you know. Maybe it weren’t her fault that she were funny in the head, but she still wanted to kill me. That ain’t right, killin’ one o’ God’s children. And God put a right stop to it he did. I figured I owed him my life, since he went and saved me in more ways than one, that man did.
(Pause.)
Since I’m God’s child and all, his son so to speak, I figured I’d give him the bestest present a man could give his father. Yep, I want to make him a grandpa. Grandpa God, that’s what my boy’ll call him. It’ll be real family like. Mind you it needs to be a son, as long as we’re clear on that. Don’t think you can pull one over on me with a girl. I know how you women are, and I know you gots ways. I expect a son. Now, I know I ain’t the number one son, his boy Jesus was that, but I’m still a good son, and I want to be providin’ for Him the grandson he ain’t never had. Jesus never gave him no grandson, so I can give him somethin’ none of his kin ever have him before. So you can see it’s important work I’m about to do, it’s the Lord’s work it is. And you get to give birth to the grandson of God himself.
(Pause.)
I know what you’re thinkin’ you think I’m tryin’ to steal Jesus thunder by doin’ it on his birthday. Well, I ain’t. I just figured it would make God real happy to have has grandson conceived on the same day that his other boy was born. Just makes it that much more special like.
(WOMAN begins to cause a ruckus.)
Simmer down now. I know it might be a bit overwhelming at first, but God done chose to save me so I could honor him.
(Wielding the straight razor JACOB lifts up the WOMAN’s skirt and slices off her underwear.)
I’m not gonna cut you none, not unless you start actin’ up anyway. Ya just be real still like. Just don’t seem right for me to manhandle your frilly girl covers, not very Christian. Have to cut ‘em off clean.
(JACOB begins to fondle himself.)
I have to purify myself to do the will of God. Now don’t you worry none. I’ll be real gentle with ya just the way my mama’s mama taught me to be. She didn’t’ raise me or nuthin’, but she learned me a thing or two ‘bout women when I’s old enough. Remember now I’m doin’ this for the Lord.
(JACOB continues fondle himself.)
I’m doin’ this for the Lord. I’m doin’ this for God’s holy work. I’m doin’ this for Jesus, his oldest boy. I’m doin’ this for…
(JACOB spreads her legs open and strands between them. She struggles and he backhands her.)
The blood is used to purify. The blood of the Lamb, your blood is god’s will. My seed is God’s seed. God done came to me and told me himself.
(Unzipping his pants.)
Be still bitch or I’ll cut you, you cunt whore.
(He penetrates her and begins to sing in rhythmic grunts.)
Jesus loves me this I know… for the Bible tell me so…
(Lights fade to black and we hear children’s voices singing, Yes Jesus Loves Me.)
