By Angela Gant
(Tony has his legs spread and is in a crunch position breathing in a lamaze way on the floor. Sarah is behind him encouraging him. She has a pillow under her shirt representing a baby.)
Sarah
(Grabbing Tony’s hand.)
You’re doing great baby. Now push. (Tony grunts) You’re doing so good, now really push this time. Are you ready, on three. One, two, three.
Tony
(Collapsing.)
This is dumb.
Sarah
You are sharing in the birth experience.
Tony
(Getting up.)
Nope….I’m done with this.
Sarah
You get your ass down there and share.
Tony
I’ll tell you what I’ve been sharing. I’ve been sharing a form hyper ventilation that men are not supposed to go through, ever. I really don’t see how this is helping anything.
Sarah
You get down there and push.
Tony
If I push any more I’m going to shit my pants.
Sarah
That’s part of how it feels. (Pause) You’re the one that said you wanted a baby.
Tony
I never said that I wanted a baby.
Sarah
Well, I can’t take the pill, you’ve always known that. And you never wanted to wear a condom. So, now we’re stuck with this.
Tony
There are other options. We’ve talked about this before. I don’t understand the point of this la maze crap. How is this helping anyone, it isn’t helping me. It isn’t helping you. It certainly isn’t helping out little bundle…(reaching down and petting her belly)
Sarah
(Interrupting.)
You’re not understanding. Even in this short time, I can tell you see me as fat! You’ve changed toward me already.
Tony
Now you’re just being irrational. Your hormones can’t be changing. It’s not even real. (Tony reaches under her shirt and pulls out the pillow) you can’t act like your hormones are acting up on a dry run.
(Sarah hits Tony with the pillow.)
Sarah
Animal. The whole point of this is so you know how it feels. Because maybe then you’ll understand why I don’t want a baby right now.
Tony
If you don’t want a baby, then why do I have to have one.
Sarah
So you’ll wear a damn condom and not get me pregnant. I sure as hell don’t want to have now, after all this. You can’t even pretend to care for my pretend pregnancy and my pretend emotions.
Tony
Now you’re getting irrational. (Sarah turns stone faced. She then realeases a tumultuous wailing sound.) Alright, alright, I’ll tell you what. (Tony returns to the floor.) Since this is so important to you. I’ll do it. I will sincerely try to empathize with your pretend pregnancy. (He starts doing la maisse breathing again) See I’m breathing. And see I’m pushing. I’m doing this all for you baby. I just want you to know that. (Sarah smiles and takes out a broom handle and puts a condom on it.) This is my way of showing you how important our relationship is. I want to feel you pain. I know you want me to feel everything you do, and that’s wonderful.
Sarah
Right. I’m so glad.
Tony
(Looking back)
What are you doing?
Sarah:
Oh, I’m just getting ready to show you how that other thing you like to do feels. I’m so glad you want to feel my pain.
Tony:
Wait a minute….
Sarah:
You said you wanted to feel it.
Tony:
Yes, yes…but (pauses) that’s not fair…I’m not that big.
