By Angela Gant
Character Breakdown
Max- male in his early twenties.
Steve- male in his early twenties, best friend to Max.
Sarah- female in her early twenties, Max’s girlfriend.
Setting
Max’s apartment, which is sparsely decorated.
Time
Present.
Scenario
Max has taken Viagra to help him with his inadaqucies. He is trying a dry run, complaining to his best friend that it is not working. His desire was to use it the next day on his girlfriend, who he has avoided telling about his little problem. Max’s girlfriend comes over unexpectedly, and everything appears good to go, until, once again a catch comes up.
(As the scene opens, Max has his back to the audience and STEVE sitting in a chair and reading a paper.)
MAX
I still don’t think it’s working.
STEVE
Well, you should be able to tell if it’s working or not.
MAX
You want me to check.
STEVE
Don’t get gay on me man.
MAX
I think it’s just sort of laying there. I don’t want to touch it if I’m not suppose to.
STEVE
You could probably touch it; I mean the point is for you to be able to use the damn thing. Are you sure, this girl is worth all this?
MAX
Completely. I’ve never met a girl like her before. I mean she’s the most amazing girl I’ve ever been with. She’s hot, and smart, and hot, you know, she’s got the body thing going. And she’s got it going on up here, (indicating head), well, and up here (indicating chest).
STEVE
If she’s so amazing then what’s the problem?
MAX
I think it’s her shoes.
STEVE
You’re getting weird on me, man.
MAX
Seriously, I like a woman with long straight legs, with nice hard calves, and she’s got those, you know. And attached to that nice long leg, I like to see a nice hard heel, but she only likes to wear tennis shoes, and I see that long floppy shoelace just laying there all sad and floppy, and I guess my body just kind of responds the same way.
STEVE
Let me see the bottle.
MAX
I think it should definitely be working by now. You’d think this wouldn’t be a big problem, I mean it’s not that big to begin with. C’mon little guy, get up and say hello. I just really don’t want to disappoint her, you know? You’d think the stuff would work faster or something, if it doesn’t have that far to go.
STEVE
(Reading bottle.) Size doesn’t matter.
MAX
Everyone says that. Especially girls, you know. They always say that. Size doesn’t matter. I think mothers teach their daughters to say that, so you don’t feel so bad, you know what I’m talking about?
STEVE
I don’t think it’s ever come up for me.
MAX
Well it’s not coming up for me either. Do you really think size doesn’t matter?
STEVE
I was talking about what it said on the bottle.
MAX
You’ve got to help me.
STEVE
We’re not that tight man.
MAX
Seriously, help me.
STEVE
What do you want me to do, show you my shoes?
MAX
Sorry, right. It’s just this is suppose to be a dry run, you know to make sure the stuff works, and it’s not working for me, you know. I just want your help, not your help, you know what I mean?
STEVE
I understand.
MAX
Is there anything in there about what you’re supposed to do?
STEVE
They encourage you to try stimulation.
MAX
I tried that. Not while you were sitting here or anything, but earlier in the bathroom, you know.
STEVE
Maybe it would help if your girlfriend were here.
MAX
I just wanted to do a dry run, you know. It was hard enough to go to my doctor. I didn’t mean hard, like that man, if you took it that way. It was just hard, difficult, you know. I’m supposed to be in the prime of my life here, and nothing.
STEVE
I’m not sure we’re this tight man. When are you supposed to see her?
MAX
Tomorrow, I think.
STEVE
Then you have time to figure it out.
MAX
You don’t understand, she doesn’t know about my problem.
STEVE
How can she not know?
MAX
She just thinks I’m a sensitive guy, who’s waiting for the right moment. That’s why she says she likes me so much, because I’m different.
STEVE
She thinks you’re gay.
MAX
No, she doesn’t.
STEVE
If I were a girl, and my boyfriend of… how long you been going’ out?
MAX
Three months.
STEVE
Dude, you are so gay.
MAX
I’m not gay. Stop saying that.
STEVE
I’m not saying you’re gay man, I’m saying if I was her I’d think you were gay.
MAX
What do you know, anyway? What kind of woman are you?
STEVE
I’d be a woman, who wouldn’t buy the sensitive crap, and I’d think you were a homo.
MAX
Well, I would never date a woman like you.
STEVE
Fine.
MAX
Fine.
STEVE
This is getting weird for me again, man.
MAX
Look, you know I’m not gay, besides I’ve kind of gotten it on with her, we just didn’t, you know.
STEVE
Gay.
MAX
Why, because I was a nice guy, and didn’t try to bang her?
STEVE
You weren’t being nice, you couldn’t get it up.
MAX
She doesn’t know that.
STEVE
She didn’t try to check.
MAX
Okay, so she might know.
STEVE
Gay.
MAX
I’m not gay.
STEVE
Then what’s the problem?
MAX
I told you it’s her shoes.
MAX
Why isn’t it working?
STEVE
(Looking at bottle)
It says orally…
MAX
Orally, who the hell can do it orally? If I could do that, I wouldn’t even need a girlfriend. I mean I’m taking yoga and everything… that’s not the reason, but I’m taking yoga, now… but maybe if I was some sort of Zen master or something I could pull it off, but I think if you’re a Zen master you wouldn’t need to pull it off…
STEVE
No, it says to take it orally.
MAX
Orally? Do you think it matters?
STEVE
Of course, it matters.
MAX
You know that might change things a bit. (Pause.) Do you think I should take that other pill out of there?
STEVE
Jesus Christ, man what’s wrong with you?
MAX
(Exiting.)
It’s an honest mistake. I mean it seems like it should go near the area.
(Knock at door. STEVE answers the door, and SARAH enters wearing a suit and heels.)
SARAH
Oh, hi. Is Max here?
STEVE
Yeah, yeah. He’s ummm, busy, I mean he’s in the bathroom, I mean he’ll be out in a minute. (Shouting.) Max, your girlfriends here. (To SARAH.) You are his girlfriend, right?
SARAH
Right. Oh, I guess, you’re…
STEVE
Steve.
SARAH
Right, Max has told me a lot about you.
STEVE
Really.
SARAH
Yeah, he talks about you all the time.
STEVE
What’s he say?
SARAH
He just always says you’re there for him when he’s having a hard, I mean, difficult time. It’s really weird, you know. He’s so insistent on using the word difficult.
STEVE
Yeah, funny that.
SARAH
He’s such a sensitive guy you know.
STEVE
Really, you believe that? I mean, of course he is.
SARAH
You know he hasn’t even tried to, well.., never mind…
STEVE
Yeah, you look nice.
SARAH
Funeral.
(MAX enters with pill in hand.)
MAX
Well I got it out, but I think there’s some… (Seeing SARAH for the first time.) What are you doing here?
SARAH
I hope it’s okay, I just came by.
MAX
Of course, of course.
(MAX looks at pill, and grabs pill bottle and shoves it in the bottle.)
SARAH
Are you okay?
MAX
Yeah, I was just going to take a pill for my head. I mean my headache.., my headache, yeah.
SARAH
Then why’d you put it back in the bottle.
MAX
I saw you, and it just went away.
SARAH
(Crossing to him.) That’s so sweet. (She kisses him.) I really needed sweet, today. Thank you.
MAX
Are you wearing heels? Oh my God, you’re wearing heels.
SARAH
(Crossing away from him.)
Yeah, I just came from my aunt’s funeral. It was really hard, sorry, difficult, you know. She practically raised me for a few years when my mom was real sick. My mom was always real sick when I was young, and my Aunt would come over and take care of us, sometimes for months at a time.
(MAX crosses to STEVE out of SARAH’S field of vision, and begins to do a happy dance MAX indicates to her heels, and is pleased with his body’s response to her heels. MAX gives STEVE and thumbs up and they hug. SARAH turns around and they freeze.)
SARAH
What are you doing?
MAX
Steve, was, uh, just leaving.
STEVE
Yeah, just got to go, you know… sorry to hear about your aunt.
SARAH
It’s so sweet, that you would hug your friend, most guys wouldn’t do that.
(STEVE mouths the word “gay” to MAX who practically shoves him out the door.)
MAX
Sony, you have to go. Thanks for coming over and helping me with my, uhhh, plumbing.
STEVE
Is that what we’re calling it now?
MAX
Out.
STEVE
Nice to meet you.
(STEVE exits out the door.)
MAX
I can’t get over how nice you look. I mean the heels and all.9
SARAH
Thanks, I’m sorry it’s just been a really bard, difficult day.
MAX
It’s okay to say hard.
SARAH
Really, it’s so much easier.
MAX
Yeah, it really is.
(As SARAH begins to speak, MAX begins to come on to her.)
SARAH
She just meant so much to me. It was really sudden. No one even saw it coming, especially her. Just out of nowhere, and then she was gone. My mom is still alive you know. It’s just so hard to believe, I mean, mom was always so sick when I was growing up, and my aunt was so strong. She was always the strong one. They were twins, you know, identical twins. I just can’t believe she’s gone. (Pause.) What the hell are you doing?
MAX
I’m sorry, I was just so moved by your story, and I must have gotten emotionally involved.
SARAH
The story of my dead aunt turns you on?
MAX
It’s not that, it’s really not that.
SARAH
Are you into dead people or something?
MAX
No.
SARAH
Then what is it? You’ve always been so sweet and sensitive… I even kind of wondered…
MAX
Wondered what?
SARAH
Well, I wondered if you might be gay.
MAX
I’m not gay. I’ll show you how not gay I am.
SARAH
It’s just the timing, with my aunt and all. You’ve always been so sensitive.
MAX
I have needs too. I’ve been patient and caring.
SARAH
I know. It just took me by surprise is all.
MAX
Let me show you how much I care about you.
SARAH
I just didn’t expect our first time would be after my aunt’s funeral.
MAX
Don’t you want to?
SARAH
Of course, I do. I think I’m surprised by it. I care about you, and I want this, I do, it’s just the timing.
MAX
l understand. I should be more sensitive, it’s just you look so great, I just can’t…
SARAH
You’ve been sensitive enough… You’re right, it’s time for you to be a man, be a man for me. (Taking off shoes, and switching to running shoes from her bag.) I’m sorry my feet are just killing me. I don’t know who invented heels, but I’m sure it was a man. I can’t stand the damn things. They absolutely kill my feet. Life is just too short to be uncomfortable for very long, you know what I mean
MAX
(Looking deflated.) Right, right.
SARAH
I’m just going to go freshen up. I’ll meet you in the bedroom lover. (Exits.)
(MAX stares after her and goes to pick up the pill bottle; he stares at it and grimaces. He looks away from it, pulls out one pill, and eyes it suspiciously. He makes the decision and pops one in his mouth gagging. He makes a last ditch plea to his penis and he exits. Blackout.)
