A play by Angela Gant
Cast of Characters
ALICE- artist in her mid 20’s. She seems stable and reasonable for a woman in her situation.
MOTHER/ LANDLANY- Alice’s mother is in her late 50’s. She is a bit larger than life. The same actress doubles as the landlady. She the same age and type
PSYCHIATRIST – Man in his 40’s.
AGENT/ SISTER- Sister is a model in her early 20’s. She has every appearance of being straightforward and honest. Agent is played by the same actress. She is over the top femme fatale type also early 20’s.
LADY- late 50’s. She is a pleasantly odd and happy woman who enjoys lookin on the brighter side of life.
DELIVERY MAN- In his late 30’s. He appears as many different delivery men.
BROTHER- is an attorney is his late 20’s; he is somewhat effeminate. Material items bring him a great deal of joy, especially clothing related ones.
OTHER BROTHER- is a psychiatrist in his early 30’s. He enjoys bickering with BROTHER.
FIANCÉ- is in his late 20’s. Though he was once very devoted to Alice he can adapt to situations quickly.
Setting:
Time: Present
Place:
Alice’s Apartment. It has been decorated with the eye of an artist.
(As the scene opens the PSYCHIATRIST is seated behind a desk The PSYCHIASTRIST is ignored by all characters unless specifically scripted. ALICE enters her apartment through the front door and throws down her keys. The apartment is well decorated with the eye of an artist. She crosses to rabbit cage.)
ALICE
(As if talking to a baby.)
Hey, big boy. How’s my big boy? Did you miss your momma? Huh? Did your grandma come take care of you while I was gone? Was she nice to you?
(ALICE feeds the rabbit.)
Oh, I bet he was a hungry boy, look at that, yeah. He was a hungry boy. Mmm-hmm.
(ALICE begins to sort through what appears to be a week’s worth of mail. Absentmindedly, she goes to the answering machine and punches it to receive her messages.)
MOTHER’S VOICE ON MACHINE
Hi, dear. This is your mother. I was so sorry to hear about your loss. I wish you had contacted me when it happened.
(ALICE stops shuffling and begins to listen intently.)
You know a mother needs to know these things. I wish you would have called me yourself. I’m always the last to know. I had to find out through friends! That was so embarrassing! It’s much better to hear it from the person themselves, you know. (Pause.) And dear, please, if you ever do this again let me know as soon as it happens. (Click.)
ALICE
(ALICE dials the phone and leaves a message.)
Hi, Mom. This is Alice. I just got back in town so give me a call when you get in. I’m not really sure what you mean by loss, but I got my credit cards canceled. All my credit is gone and all my bank accounts are frozen I have no idea what’s going on that’s why I’m back early. Since it’s Sunday there’s not much that I can do about it. But other than that the whole thing was wonderful. They simply loved my pieces. I made a killing, so dinner’s on me.
PSYCHIATRIST
So you didn’t apologize to your mother.
ALICE
(To PSYCHIATRIST.)
No, of course not. What did I have to apologize for?
PSYCHIATRIST
I see. (Writing on tablet.) Patient dissociative.
ALICE
That’s not being dissociative, I just didn’t apologize.
PSYCHIATRIST
I see. Patient argumentative.
ALICE
(Raising her voice.) I’m not being argumentative. Okay, I am being argumentative, but I didn’t think at the time I had done anything wrong.
PSYCHIATRIST
And now?
ALICE
Just let me tell the story in my own way. Okay?
PSYCHIATRIST
Start from the beginning.
ALICE
I guess that you could say that I’ve led a charmed life.
PSYCHIATRIST
Explain please.
ALICE
I just mean that I’ve had the best luck of anyone I know. Amazing things always seemed to happen to me, but in simple ways. I mean, I was a successful sculptor and artist. How many people can say that? I had the perfect fiancé. We met in a museum and it was love at first sight. He said that my smile was only slightly less captivating than the Mona Lisa. I came from a stable home environment where no one was a bed-wetter, beaten, or poor. My brothers… I have two brothers: one grew up to be a psychologist and the other grew up to be an attorney. Anyway, my brothers were always there for me when I was growing up. They would chase the monsters from under my bed, and later weed out the undesirable boys. My younger sister, who I guided to the correct centers of fashion, grew up to be a model and an actress. Then there was my mother. What can I say? The woman was perfect. I can’t describe it, she just was. Her house plants were green and flourished under her watchful eye. We were like her house plants. Healthy Venus Flytraps sent out to conquer the world. My life was picture-perfect growing up. I had it all. The perfect life.
PSYCHIATRIST
Then I’m confused as to how you feel the nature of your psychosis began…
ALICE
Well, it goes something like this: the problem with luck, and this is really inevitable, is that eventually, it’s going to change. It can happen when you least suspect it. Sometimes you can look back over the course of a year and realize that’s where you went wrong. Sometimes it’s a month or even a week. I can isolate mine down to just one single event.
PSYCHIATRIST
And what’s that?
ALICE
The day I died.
(ALICE goes back into character as though the PSYCHIATRIST did not exist. The LANDLADY enters with LADY and begins to show her around the apartment.)
LANDLADY
It’s wonderfully spacious, as you can clearly see. Through here, we have the living room…
ALICE
Excuse me, but what do you think you’re doing?
LADY
I simply love it. Does it come furnished?
LANDLADY
I’m afraid not. The woman who was living here was an artist; she just passed on and the family hasn’t come to collect her things yet.
ALICE
Hello? I’m talking to you…
LANDLADY
And from here, you can see that you have a magnificent view of the city…
ALICE
Hello! Fruitloops! I’m right here!
LADY
(Points to one of the sculptures. There is a disposable razor beside it.)
Is this one of her works?
LANDLADY
Yes. Breathtaking, isn’t it?
ALICE
That is a good one.
LADY
(Approaching the work.)
It’s elegant. It’s so simple, but it says so much…
LANDLADY
It was one of her last works.
LADY
You don’t say! I simply must have it! It is too wonderful for words to describe. ¬I’ll pay whatever is necessary.
ALICE
I’m sure we could work something out. You know, you actually have a good eye…
LADY
(Picking up disposable razor she eyes it with awe.)
Simply amazing…
ALICE
(Grabs the LANDLADY be the arm and spins her around.)
Excuse me!
LANDLADY
Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t see you standing there.
ALICE
What? Am I invisible?
LANDLADY
Well, not exactly, no.
ALICE
What are you doing?
LANDLADY
Why I’m showing your apartment, of course, dear.
ALICE
I’m sorry, but I have a year left on my lease.
LANDLADY
Yes, but your lease has been canceled.
ALICE
That’s impossible.
LADY
The bathroom is simply gorgeous. Can I keep the collection of razors? They add to the ambiance.
LANDLADY
We can discuss it in the terms of the lease if you like.
ALICE
You want my razors? You want my tired worn out razors that collect in my bathroom because I can’t hit the trash can?
LADY
I simply love the artificial lighting.
ALICE
Tell you what—you can keep the light bulb, just get out of my apartment!
LANDLADY
As I have tried to explain to you dear, your lease has been canceled.
ALICE
I never paid my rent late.
LANDLADY
That’s true.
ALICE
No one has ever complained about me…
LANDLADY
I’m not saying they did.
ALICE
I’ve been a model tenant.
LANDLADY
Yes, all true.
ALICE
So why has my lease been canceled?
LANDLADY
(Checking clipboard.)
According to our records, you are, in fact, dead. I’m sorry dear; it’s our policy to terminate the lease on any tenant that dies.
ALICE
Well obviously there’s been some kind of mistake.
LANDLADY
I don’t think so, dear, the records never lie.
ALICE
But I’m standing right here. You know I’m not dead. You’re talking to me right now.
LADY
Does the ghost come with the apartment?
LANDLADY
No, we can have her exorcised if you like.
ALICE
Exercised? Are you saying I’m fat?
LADY
Oh no, I wouldn’t dream of it. I’ve always wanted to live in a haunted apartment…
LANDLADY
Well, if you change your mind just let us know. We have a very good priest that we always use in cases like this.
ALICE
You keep a priest on retainer?
LANDLADY
We like to be prepared for all occasions.
LADY
Just wonderful.
ALICE
You can’t just give away my apartment. I live here.
LANDLADY
Yes, and the lady was nice enough to say that you could stay.
LADY
I’ll definitely take it.
ALICE
You can’t have it—it’s mine!
LANDLADY
It’s quite normal for ghosts to be possessive in the very beginning. Sometimes they have a hard time accepting the fact.
ALICE
The fact. What fact? Would you people listen to me? I’m standing right here!
LADY
Oh, she’s simply charming!
ALICE
Can you see me? Can you hear me? Look, I can even do a time step.
LADY
Poor, sad child.
LANDLADY
She’s getting quite agitated. Why don’t we leave? We can go downstairs and start on the paperwork…
LADY
Wonderful. Oh, I’m so excited! (To ALICE.) I’m sure that we’re going to get along famously. Ta-ta!
ALICE
But…
LADY
Do you think I’ll be able to keep those razors?
LANDLADY
I’ll speak to the family about it.
(LANDLADY and LADY exit. The door slams behind them.)
PSYCHIATRIST
So the source of your problem was the fact that, in your mind, you believed that everyone thought you were dead.
ALICE
They did think I was dead.
PSYCHIATRIST
I see.
ALICE
But I wasn’t dead.
PSYCHIATRIST
I see.
ALICE
I mean, I’m not dead. I’m not dead now, am I? I mean, how could I have been dead then? You see it’s not that I thought I was dead, they all thought I was dead.
PSYCHIATRIST
I understand your claim. How did your friends and family felt?
ALICE
They seemed kinda sad about it, I guess.
PSYCHIATRIST
So, you don’t feel you died just to get attention?
ALICE
I didn’t die.
PSYCHIATRIST
Yes, yes. But in your psychosis. (Pause.) You do want to get out of here, don’t you? We have discussed this before. Remember: “the key to full recovery is cooperation.”
ALICE
(Overlapping.) “…is cooperation,” yes.
(The door bell rings.)
Can you excuse me for a moment? I just need to get that.
(AGENT enters. She is smoking a cigarette from a long cigarette holder. As the AGENT sashays in she blows smoke in ALICE’s face. ALICE coughs.)
ALICE
Oh my, I’m so glad to see you. You won’t believe what just happened. My landlady came in and…
AGENT
¬I came over as soon as I heard.
ALICE
Thanks, I could really use a friend right now.
AGENT
Simply terrible.
ALICE
I know. Can you imagine the nerve of some people?
AGENT
Are you feeling okay?
ALICE
All things considered, I think so. Just a little tired, I guess.
AGENT
Good. Good.
ALICE
The trip really wore me out, but they loved my work. You were right to send me to New York. They loved it.
AGENT
I know. The phone hasn’t stopped ringing all day. Everyone wants one of your pieces, what with the news and all…
ALICE
News?
AGENT
I thought you would have heard. Actually, I would think you would be the first to know. My dear, it’s simply amazing!
ALICE
You don’t think I’m dead, do you?
AGENT
It’s a gift from God. Your work is going for ten times the amount that it did when you were alive. Ten times. Can you imagine?
ALICE
But I’m still alive.
AGENT
Shhh. Be quiet, dear. You don’t want anyone to hear you.
ALICE
But…
AGENT
Now dear, you mustn’t go around making claims like that; you could destroy your reputation for being a great dead artist. It’s a shame that you were so young and your life’s work was never fully realized. But I tell you it’s going for a killer price!
ALICE
I can still make art. I can still sculpt.
AGENT
Heavens be praised!
ALICE
I knew you’d understand.
AGENT
Do you realize how much the work you create after your death would be worth? Art from beyond the grave!
(There is a pause as ALICE moves toward the AGENT cocking her head and staring at her.)
What is there something one me?
ALICE
I don’t think I ever noticed how much you look like my sister.
(Phone begins to ring. ALICE doesn’t answer it.)
AGENT
You should answer that, darling.
ALICE
(Pulling herself out of her reverie.)
But you’re my agent! You’re supposed to be my friend…
AGENT
I like to think of myself as just your agent. Friendship is such a bourgeois process, and I know you’re not that plebeian, darling.
ALICE
You’re not listening to me. This is all just a big mistake. In fact, it’s a monumental mistake. It’s such a huge mistake that I don’t even know where to begin with…
AGENT
Are you going to answer that?
ALICE
Isn’t it obvious that I’m alive? How do I prove I’m not dead?
AGENT
Do you realize how much bad press you would get from faking your own death?
ALICE
I didn’t fake it.
AGENT
Well, there you go then, dear. If you didn’t fake it, then you’re dead.
(ALICE and AGENT continue to converse as the answering machine picks up.)
ALICE’S VOICE
Sorry I can’t come to the phone right now. I’ll be out of town for a few days. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I get home. (Beep.)
ALICE
All right then, how did I die? If I’m dead, then how did I die? If I died, how am I standing here, talking to you right now?
