By Angela Gant
This is a 10 page sample in the 1950’s middle class sequence.
ALPHA FEMALE
Nonsense, dear. I’ve made plenty for everybody, and for whatever’s left over, I bought Tupperware containers. (To audience) Tupperware is the greatest invention a woman could ever ask for. Anything that makes a woman a better wife and mother is an invention of great note. Pretty exciting stuff, huh?
ALPHA MALE
It’s the table I’m worried about. There simply isn’t enough room.
ALPHA FEMALE
Sure there is. We can all squeeze together. I added a leaf to the table, and borrowed some nice folding chairs from the neighbors.
ALPHA MALE
The neighbors. Do the neighbors know about this? Are you trying to humiliate me? What are people going to think? People have lost their jobs for less, and you bring this into our household? Do you know what you’ve done?
(ALPHA MALE goes to backhand ALPHA FEMALE and freezes. ADOLESCENT FEMALE enters. Lights begin to flash and music for game show begins. Everyone suddenly looks excited.)
FIELD SCIENTIST
There is only one thing the middle class strives to more than their nineteen fifties role models, and that is to win a game show.
ADOLESCENT FEMALE
I love games, just ask anyone.
FIELD SCIENTIST
(FIELD SCIENTIST takes on the persona a game show host. JANE unhappily takes on role of “Vanna White” type character.)
Of course you do. Who wants to play?
ADOLESCENT FEMALE
Can I win a prize?
FIELD SCIENTIST
You already have.
ADOLESCENT FEMALE
Really?
FIELD SCIENTIST
It’s called an STD.
ADOLESCENT FEMALE
I won! I won! I’ve never gotten anything before!
FIELD SCIENTIST
This is one prize that could last a lifetime.
ADOLESCENT MALE
What kind of game is it?
FIELD SCIENTIST
It’s called Middle Class Morality.
ALPHA MALE
Sounds suitable for children.
FIELD SCIENTIST
It’s suitable for everybody. This is the way it works, whoever gets to a hundred points first wins a fabulous prize.
ADOLESCENT FEMALE
You mean I can win again?
FIELD SCIENTIST
Once you’re a winner you can really never stop winning, now, can you? Let’s introduce our contestants. First, the breadwinner, the head-honcho of the family, let’s hear it for the man. (Canned applause.) Now here’s the thing, the alpha male has to keep himself as the strongest of the bunch, but being a modern man, he wants to be seen as sensitive.
ALPHA MALE
That’s right, I care about my fellow man. Jesus cared for everyone, and we should follow his example.
FIELD SCIENTIST
But not so sensitive that he loses his masculinity.
ALPHA MALE
Women shouldn’t have to work. They were born to be mothers. Women need to stay home and take care of the family and children. I’m just here to provide for them, keep them in line if necessary. Where would any of them be without me?
(Applause.)
FIELD SCIENTIST
The middle class teaches tolerance. Let’s look at the alpha female. What is it that separates you from other people, lesser people, if you will?
ALPHA FEMALE
Well, there are certain words and phrases we simply do not use.
ALPHA MALE
You can’t say nigger, jig-a-boo, or darkie.
FIELD SCIENTIST
Let’s let her answer on her own. It’s your turn, dear.
ALPHA FEMALE
Well, I grew up calling them jungle bunnies, but not anymore.
ALPHA MALE
You’d think you could, but you can’t. Unless, of course, you’re out with the boys swapping jokes for the night. Hell, we can’t even call them negro anymore. They want to be called colored.
FIELD SCIENTIST
This isn’t your turn.
ALPHA MALE
Why the hell can’t we just call them all brown? That’s all anyone is who isn’t white, right?
OUTSIDE MALE
Technically, you’re not white, you’re actually more of a peachy color.
FIELD SCIENTIST
The middle class teaches tolerance—Ten points to the alpha male for keeping those undesirables at arm’s length.
ALPHA MALE
Yeah, ten points!
(Applause.)
FIELD SCIENTIST
(To ADOLESCENT FEMALE.)
This one’s for you.
(Wolf whistle sound effect.)
What would you like to do if you could do anything?
ADOLESCENT FEMALE
Of course I would like to end world hunger, and I am so ready for that question if I break the top ten on Miss America.
FIELD SCIENTIST
But what do you really think?
ADOLESCENT FEMALE
We can give to the Christian Children’s Fund and feel better about ourselves. I mean no one would actually want to go touch one of those icky babies, would they? I mean, yuck.
FIELD SCIENTIST
Ten points for yucky babies and general duplicity.
ADOLESCENT FEMALE
(Sing song to her brother.)
Whoo-hoo. I got ten points for yucky babies and you don’t have anything because you suck.
ADOLESCENT MALE
Do not.
ADOLESCENT FEMALE
You smell.
ADOLESCENT MALE
You smell.
FIELD SCIENTIST
The middle class must strive to hide their true nature. What’s the best way to hide?
SECOND BANANA
In the closet. I can act straight if I have to. I can even talk about football.
OUTSIDE MALE
I love a good tight end.
FIELD SCIENTIST
This is to the subordinate male.
SECOND BANANA
I can hide it if I have to. I’m good at it. I’ve been practicing acting like a real boy my whole life. It’s not like I’m going to get killed for it, right?
FIELD SCIENTIST
Ten points for hiding. (To OUTSIDE MALE.) How do you feel about hiding?
OUTSIDE MALE
I don’t know. Being a—what’d you call us?—“brown” fairy certainly isn’t helpful. Being a pretty white boy helps a lot. If I were white, I’m sure it would be a lot different.
FIELD SCIENTIST
But a leopard can’t change its spots, now, can it? Sorry, you lose ten points.
OUTSIDE MALE
For what?
FIELD SCIENTIST
Only white people do well at game shows, you know that.
OUTSIDE MALE
I lose ten points for being brown?
FIELD SCIENTIST
You’re absolutely right. I gotta give you your ten points back for that. You’re back up to zero. (To OUTSIDE FEMALE.) And what’s your place in this society?
OUTSIDE FEMALE
It’s probably about par for being the “other woman,” and that’s just what they say to your face. Do you think I wanted to end up forty, never been married, and having an affair with a married man? Do you think this is what my parents wanted me to be when I grew up? As long as I’m quiet and smile, people will keep their talk behind closed doors. That’s the best I can hope for.
FIELD SCIENTIST
Too much drama, this is a game show, not a talk show. I’ve gotta take ten points for your response and ten more for your lack of Caucasian background.
OUTSIDE FEMALE
I’m half white.
ALPHA MALE
She should just lose five for that.
FIELD SCIENTIST
For your sense of fair play, you get eighty points.
SUBORDINATE FEMALE
He’s just saying that because he’s banging her.
FIELD SCIENTIST
Minus five for speaking out of turn.
SUBORDINATE FEMALE
But…
FIELD SCIENTIST
You want to make it ten?
SUBORDINATE FEMALE
This isn’t fair.
FIELD SCIENTIST
Crying the unfair card is worth ten points in your favor. The unfair is a great attribute of the middle class.
SUBORDINATE FEMALE
This game is rigged.
FIELD SCIENTIST
Of course it is.
ALPHA FEMALE
We must strive to never deviate from the norm, and do our best to keep up with the Joneses.
ADOLESCENT MALE
Yeah, if I won the lottery I’d have it made. I could make people like me.
FIELD SCIENTIST
Ten points for views that money cures all ills. Good job, boy.
ADOLESCENT MALE
Really?
FIELD SCIENTIST
No, not really, you lose twenty for acting with no self-confidence. Not manly enough.
ALPHA MALE
Damn it! Keep your mouth shut! Take away another ten for embarrassing me.
FIELD SCIENTIST
Tell you what I’ll do, I’ll take away twenty.
ADOLESCENT MALE
But Dad…
ALPHA FEMALE
Not now, dear.
SUBORDINATE FEMALE
This is bullshit.
FIELD SCIENTIST
Of course, no matter how much you strive to break the barriers, if the middle class raises you, you will always have their mores.
ADOLESCENT MALE
What’s a mores?
SUBORDINATE FEMALE
I am not like them.
FIELD SCIENTIST
Denial is worth ten points.
SUBORDINATE FEMALE
I want to see a world where everyone is equal.
ALPHA MALE
That’s called communism and we know it doesn’t work.
OUTSIDE MALE
Why can’t we have gay marriages?
ALPHA MALE
That is not what God intended. Marriage is between a man and a woman.
FIELD SCIENTIST
Three points for bringing up God.
OUTSIDE MALE
Cause straight people certainly haven’t fucked marriage up.
ALPHA FEMALE
Language. In many ways, it doesn’t matter what you say, but in the tone in which you say it.
ALPHA MALE
Why don’t we let people just marry a box turtle?
FIELD SCIENTIST
Ahhh, the sanctity of marriage! What a great question! How do we feel about that?
ALPHA MALE
God’s laws should not be broken. He alone showed us the way. He speaks to us in Matthew…
ALPHA FEMALE
And what about the Ten Commandments? Doesn’t that speak to fidelity?
ALPHA MALE
She is not another man’s wife. And besides, if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times, if you took better care of yourself, this would never have happened. A man has needs, if his wife does not fulfill them, you can’t blame him for his actions.
ALPHA FEMALE
Perhaps I could lose a few pounds, but I could never lose ten years.
ALPHA MALE
We should be grateful that we live in the freest country in the world.
FIELD SCIENTIST
One point awarded for waving the flag.
FIELD SCIENTIST
Final question. This one’s up for grabs. Who is the most important person in the family and why?
ALPHA MALE
Me, because I’m the man.
FIELD SCIENTIST
I’m going to have to ask you to expand on that.
ALPHA MALE
I’m the white, heterosexual man that this country was founded on and led by. You can do anything in this country as long as you’re free, white, and twenty-one.
FIELD SCIENTIST
That’s right.
(Canned applause.)
ALPHA MALE
What do I win?
FIELD SCIENTIST
All the positions the world can offer a white man. You can win anything and be anyone.
OUTSIDE FEMALE
What about the rest of us?
FIELD SCIENTIST
You can have Oprah.
SUBORDINATE FEMALE
This is bullshit.
FIELD SCIENTIST
It certainly is.
ADOLESCENT MALE
I don’t like this game anymore.
FIELD SCIENTIST
Then you don’t have to play. Why don’t we pick up where we left off? You know what you have to do now, don’t you? You are the man.
ALPHA MALE
I am the man.
(Scene returns to normal, and actors resume their previous positions.)
I’m afraid your friend will have to go.
ALPHA FEMALE
I’m sorry.
ALPHA MALE
I will not be made a laughing stock.
SUBORDINATE FEMALE
I think you have done plenty of that yourself.
FIELD SCIENTIST
When a lower ranking female questions the divine authority of the alpha male, the results are never pretty.
ALPHA MALE
(Grabs her shaking her.)
What exactly are you trying to imply, young lady? You are not so big that I can’t take you across my knee and spank you.
OUTSIDE FEMALE
Take your hands off her. I knew I should have kept her with me.
ALPHA MALE
(to OUTSIDE FEMALE still holding SUBORDINATE FEMALE )
This isn’t about you. You stay out of this.
OUTSIDE FEMALE
Leave her alone.
SUBORDINATE FEMALE
Why would you care anyway? You’re the problem.
OUTSIDE FEMALE
You don’t understand.
SUBORDINATE FEMALE
I think I understand plenty, as far as your concerned.
OUTSIDE FEMALE
You don’t know the whole story. I am so sorry, I always wanted to tell you, but everyone wanted what was in your best interest.
ALPHA FEMALE
We didn’t want you to get your feelings hurt, dear.
ALPHA MALE
It’s time you left.
